Indicative vs. Imperative: the Importance of a Little Two Letter Word

The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church…
(Ephesians 5:23)

You’ll probably remember that a less than honorable man (who happened to be president) once tried to weave a covering for his many lies by saying “it depends on what the meaning of the word is, is.” It sounds like the man was twisting words to deceive. But his statement, in itself, is true. The meaning of the word is, is important. Every little word matters if the full and precise truth is to be known.

This comes into play as we think over the matter of headship in the home. Paul doesn’t write: “The husband ought to be the head of the wife”. He writes: “The husband is the head of the wife.” If you’ll pardon a brief grammar lesson, we’re talking indicative vs. imperative here. An indicative states or indicates what is. An imperative states or commands what ought to be. Paul uses an indicative here which means he is not issuing a command; he’s stating a fact. He’s telling us what a husband is. He’s not telling us what a husband is supposed to become or do. The distinction is huge.

The point is that every husband is the head or leader of his marriage and home. It’s an unavoidable and inescapable fact. On the one hand, no amount of husbandly effort is required to attain headship. On the other hand, no amount of male neglect or female resistance can negate that headship. It simply is. It comes with being male. When the doctor said “It’s a boy!” over you, it was official: a leader was born. And when the pastor said “husband and wife” over you, it was official: a head was created. If you’re married, this is what you are.

Meditating on this is a very valuable thing for husbands to do. Because the husband is the head of the wife, he finds himself in a position of inescapable leadership. He cannot successfully refuse to lead….[N]o matter what he does, or where he goes, he does so as the head of his wife. This is how God designed marriage. He has created us as male and female in such a way as to ensure that men will always be dominant in marriage. If the husband is godly, then that dominance will not be harsh; it will be characterized by the same self-sacrificial love demonstrated by our Lord…at the cross. If a husband tries to run away from his headship…(and)catches a plane to the other side of the country…he will dominate by his absence…” (Douglas Wilson).*

I’m with you guys: this is probably something I’d rather not be true. But denial is pointless. We might as well face the truth squarely. I can no more change the fact that I am head of my home than I can change the fact that I am human, or a man. Like my head can do nothing but lead my body, I can do nothing but lead my home. This is that to which I was born, and was married. The same goes for you. Brothers: everything we say, do, think, choose, prioritize, and pursue, leads. In our every waking or sleeping moment we’re giving direction and setting the pace for our wives and kids.

This smacked me between the eyes a few years back. As I observed my children I noticed a distinct lack of thoughtful kindness between them. This was showing up in a number of ways, but I’ll mention only one. While one of the little guys was dragging a big box of blocks across the floor in a valiant effort to clean up the room, the others simply sat there, watching. No one lifted a finger to help. No one encouraged. No one even cared for their sibling’s struggle. This didn’t happen just once; it was a pattern.

This raised my ire. I felt strong anger. How could they be so thoughtless, so oblivious, so unkind? And as I sat there observing the evidence of their unkind hearts it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t lifted a finger to help the little one either! Like a first century Pharisee binding burdens on others I was unwilling to carry myself (Matthew 23:2-4), I was judging my kids for the very same sin that I was committing at the very same time. I was immediately struck by both my hypocrisy and my idiocy.

On further reflection I knew that the pattern of my life toward my kids was one in which quite often I sat still while they struggled with tasks. While mom modeled helping grace, dad didn’t. Guess whose example led the way? Gayline was consistently kind towards us all, but I was not. And my children followed my lead, not hers. They always will, for better or worse.

To test this premise, I chose not to rebuke them on this occasion, but to change me. I chose to become a kinder man. When the kids needed help, I moved quickly to provide it. When they struggled with something I jumped to assist. I said nothing to them about their lack of kindness; I just purposed to do something about mine.

In two to three weeks, the difference in their care for each other was dramatic. Kindness reigned because dad led the way. No words were needed on this occasion. What was needed was that a father realize he was head of the home, leading it one way or another all the time. What was needed was not that dad become the head, but that he simply be a good one.

Guys we’re always in the lead. Question is: what’s the direction toward which we’re leading our families? Please don’t be paralyzed by this somewhat frightening truth; be catalyzed. God has given us a unique and unmatched influence in our families’ lives. Let’s seize it for good. Let’s always be leading them forward, upward, and Godward. Let’s rise up as men of God, and lead onward and upward for the glory of God and the good of those we love.

*I’m afraid I have to qualify my use of Mr. Wilson as there are various perspectives he holds that I deem inconsistent with biblical doctrine. But as I’ve said elsewhere, he has much good to say in matters related to those we’re discussing.

Application and Reflection Exercises

1. If the meditation is true it means that all husbands/fathers are the leaders of their families even if absent and deadbeat. Do you think a negligent or even totally absent father still leads and influences his family? Why do you think so?
2. Name 3 things about you that are leading your family, even when you’re not aware of it.
3. What emotional and spiritual effect does the fact that you are (rather than you ought to be) the head of your family have on you?
4. If you are leading your family whether you are thinking about it or not, how much should you be thinking about it? How much of good headship depends on good thinking and planning? Record your thoughts. List one or two steps you can take to become more proactive and less passive in your headship role? Try to apply one of these today.

Imaging the Son

I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ…
Christ is the head of the church…
This mystery [found in marriage and husband headship] is profound,
and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church.
(1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23, 32)

In Scripture, a mystery is not an unsolved problem, but a truth once obscured or hidden, and now revealed. For example, that Gentiles would have an equal place with Jews in the saving purposes of God in Christ was a truth largely obscured in the Old Testament, but now fully revealed in the gospel (Ephesians 3:3-6). I, for one, am glad it is.

Ephesians 5:32 tells us that a mystery-truth has been hidden in the marriage relationship. It is the relationship of Christ with His Church. This means that God created marriage with more in mind than simply meeting a human need, or accomplishing His purpose to have men rule the world with the help of women. He certainly had these things in mind, but there was more He was pursuing. God created marriage, and the husband’s role in it, to reveal truths that were hidden in His heart: the truth that He loves and leads the Church and is her Head and Husband, and the truth that He has forever loved the Church so much that He would be willing to give Himself for her.

So husbands are revelations of truth. As we men love and lead our wives and families we reveal the mystery of Christ’s love for the Church. As we pour out our lives in leadership care, and selfless nourishing grace, we reveal the truth of Christ’s heart for His Bride.

Brothers, we are to our wives what Christ is to the Church. We’ll be unpacking that more but for now the idea itself is enough to amaze and inspire: we are called to reveal Christ by imaging Christ. The idea is also enough to convict and grieve, for how well and how accurately have I been representing Christ to a watching wife, and family, and world?

There’s a lot more to the way I’ve represented Christ to others in my love for Gayline than would be seen in my sins and mistakes. By the grace of God I think that others have seen something of His love lived out through me to her. But I’m very aware of a distorted image of Christ’s love which others will have gained from seeing mine.

Gayline (along with others) has seen me be self-indulgent, selfish, and mean spirited. They’ve seen me react with only my pleasure in view. They have seen me procrastinate and simply ignore responsibilities and be lazy and be unkind. All too often it’s just not been pretty, and the image I’ve reflected of the love of Christ has been so distorted that it dishonored Him much.

But that said, grace can and does triumph over sin. And as I continue to give life over to God and the gospel and the sanctifying work of the Spirit, little glimpses of Christ-like love and kindness and sacrifice can be seen in me—and the purpose for marriage is realized. It’s amazing, humbling, and yes, inspiring to become even more of what he wants me to be.

Hey guys, before I wrap this up, can I say one more thing? This truth about marriage being intended to reflect the relationship between Christ and the Church is one reason why we cannot cave in on the gender debates and must boldly be vocal for the truth. I’m not sure where you may stand on the roles issue, but I think we have to stand pretty firm and courageous for the biblical roles for this very reason: if the roles of marriage are obscured, God’s purpose for marriage will be obscured as well.

God created the husband’s headship role to reveal truth about His Son. There’s more at stake in these debates than chauvinists’ pride or feminists’ freedom. Truth about Jesus is at stake. Truth about how Jesus loves and leads us (and about how we are to follow and respect Him) is meant to be revealed in marriage. Blur the roles, and you hide the truth.

That said, let’s be amazed and inspired! Note that I didn’t say, “Let’s be proud and arrogant!” Guys we didn’t ask for or earn this role; we were born into it by being boys. We had no say. Besides, the role is more a call to sacrifice than a call to prominence. After all, the primary expression of Christ’s headship love mentioned in Ephesians is His laying down of His life. So let’s answer the call and be clear consistent revelations of Jesus’ amazing love to our families and world. Let’s reveal the mystery to all!

Application and Reflection Exercises

1. Write down some reflections about the love of Christ for you and for His Church. How does he demonstrate and prove that love? And how does that make you feel?
2. If a husband’s love is supposed to be a reflection of Christ’s love, how is your reflection of Christ’s love coming across to others? In what ways do you think your love is a reasonably accurate (not necessarily perfect) reflection of your Savior’s love?
3. How is your present love for your wife misrepresenting the love of Christ to her and others?
4. In the meditation we are exhorted to be committed to Biblical roles. What is the reason given for this, and does it make sense?
5. What are two specific applications of this meditation that you plan to make?

Mirrors of God

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ,the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.
(1 Corinthians 11:3)
C.S. Lewis said that redeemed humans are destined to become “immortal splendors”. It’s true. Christians are immortal: they never truly die; they just pass through death into life eternal. And they are destined to be immortal splendors: splendid, magnificent, glorious, shining reflections of God’s majestic beauty. Never-dying mirrors of God.

Let’s review the history of man. Made in the image of God at creation, we have mutilated that image almost beyond recognition through our many sins against God our Maker. But now, through God’s regenerating (i.e.-reviving, remaking and renewing) and sanctifying (i.e.-morally transforming) grace, that image of God is being restored. As regenerate people, we are destined to be conformed to the glory and image of Christ who is the exact image of the Father. We will not be God (or gods), but we will look and be very much like God’s Son, “immortal splendors” indeed.

Typically (and rightly) we tend to think of this image bearing capacity in terms of our moral likeness to Christ (2 Cor. 3:17, 18; Rom. 8:29; Ephesians 4:20-24; 1 John 3:2). Christians are being transformed in character, increasingly made to be like Jesus. And eventually, believers are going to be morally perfected, “saved to sin no more” as the hymn writer expresses it.

The Bible also gives some emphasis to the idea that we will be conformed in measure to the physical glory of Christ (Phil. 3:20, 21). We are going to be glorified together with Christ so as to share His immortal splendor in body as well as spirit (1 Cor. 15:35-56).

What is not so common is for us to think of our image bearing role as a relational likeness. But 1 Cor. 11:3 makes it clear that the husband’s relationship with his wife reflects Christ’s with the Church, and the Father’s with the Son. “The head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” Christ relates to us as Head. The Father relates to the Son as Head. Each of us is to relate to his wife as head. In this way we are mirrors of the relational life of God.

So understanding and living out our headship requires that we understand something of the relationship of the Father and the Son. The Father is the head of the Son. Though this might get a little heavy, it’s worth knowing that Biblically defined, the Father’s headship over the Son involves at least the following:
     - Equality in essence and glory. The Son is the Father’s equal. Each is fully God, in full possession of all the divine attributes and majesty. The fact that the Father is Head of the Son does not imply any inequality between them.
     - Eternal generation. The Son is the uniquely begotten One who came from the Father. The Son is the eternal, cherished, perfect image the Father has had of Himself, so perfect that the image is equal with the Father (see the worship-producing reading from John Piper at the end of today’s devotion).
     - Tender and affectionate love. Jesus is God’s “beloved Son” the Father spoke from heaven for all to hear (Luke 3:22). The Father views and treats the Son with all tenderness of affection and care.
     - Loving authority and willing obedience. The Son “became obedient unto death” (Phil. 2:8) for He “came to do His Father’s will” (John 6:38).

This is how (in part) the Bible defines the relationship/headship of the Father with and over His Son. What it says to us men is staggering! Like the Father does His Son, a man is to treat his wife as his equal, making sure to honor her as a fellow image-bearer of God. He should also always remember the fact that in the beginning woman was “generated” from his side (Gen. 2:22, 23). In coming from his rib, woman is made to be (like the Son is to the Father, John 1:18) at his side, not under his feet.

A husband should also regard his wife with tender and affectionate love just like the Father loves His Son. Words and deeds demonstrating that she is his beloved, and his tenderly and affectionately cherished treasure should mark all his dealings with her.

And finally, the man should image the relationship of the first two Persons of the Trinity when he exercises loving authority and wins his wife’s willing obedience. He is not to lord it over her or force her obedience by coercion or threat. He is to lead her in love, guide her with grace, and seek to win her glad and ready following, through the proven character and wisdom of his ways.

In all these ways we see that a good and godly husband is very God-like; he’s a mirror of God. In fact what the Bible reveals is that when people look at a godly man in relationship with his wife, they should catch a glimpse of the Father in relationship with His Son. That’s part of why God created marriage. In other words, headship wasn’t a caveman’s idea (as some allege); it was God’s idea to reflect his loving union and relationship with His Son!

To know this is to guard your heart from two errors: the error of thinking that roles don’t matter, and the error of thinking that your role as head of your wife is a license to domineer. Roles do matter because they call attention to the relational heart of God. And knowing that your role is to mirror God’s matters because it ensures that you will seek to do it right.

Guys, let’s think on these things.

Application and Reflection Exercises

1. Reflect on the first aspect of the Father’s relationship with the Son: equality in essence and glory. Realize that your relationship with your wife is to image this. What does it mean? Do Gal. 3:28, 1 Peter 3:7, and Gen. 1:27 help you think this through? Record your thoughts, including one practical way that you can demonstrate the equality you and your wife share.
2. Reflect on the third aspect of the Father’s relationship with the Son: tender and affectionate love. Think of at least one way you can practically demonstrate such love to your wife today.
3. Have you thought much about your destiny as an “immortal splendor”? Record what that means to you, and how it encourages your heart.
4. Write a prayer that captures your commitment to God and to your wife in light of the meditation of the week.

“So the Son in whom the Father delights is the image of God and the radiance of the glory of God. He bears the very stamp of God’s nature and is the very form of God. He is equal with God and, as John says, is God.

For all eternity, before creation, the only reality that has always existed is God. This is a great mystery, because it is so hard for us to think of God having absolutely no beginning, and just being there forever and ever and ever, without anything or anyone making him be there – just absolute reality that everyone of us has to reckon with whether we like it or not. But this ever-living God has not been “alone.” He has not been a solitary center of consciousness. There has always been another, who has been one with God in essence and glory, and yet distinct in personhood so that they have had a personal relationship for all eternity.

The Bible teaches that this eternal God has always had a perfect image of himself (Colossians 1:15), a perfect radiance of his essence (Hebrews 1:3), a perfect stamp or imprint of his nature (Hebrews 1:3), a perfect form or expression of his glory (Philippians 2:6).

We are on the brink of the ineffable here, but perhaps we may dare to say this much: as long as God has been God (eternally) he has been conscious of himself; and the image that he has of himself is so perfect and so complete and so full as to be the living, personal reproduction (or begetting) of himself. And this living, personal image or radiance or form of God is God, namely God the Son. And therefore God the Son is coeternal with God the Father and equal in essence and glory.”

John Piper, The Pleasures of God

What Headship Is

And he put all things under his feet
and gave him as head over all things to the church...
He is the head of the body, the church.
...the husband is the head of the wife
even as Christ is the head of the church, his body...
(Ephesians 1:22; Colossians 1:18, Ephesians 5:23)
If you want to start an argument quick, bring up the topic of male headship. The idea that a husband has a God-ordained role of leadership—and yes even authority—over his wife is not a welcome concept in many hearts today. Even among Christians who love Jesus and claim to follow his Word the debate continues; rages might be a more accurate term.

Part of the problem is that we Americans have pretty much declared war on any notion of authority. Our national creed is autonomy: live free or die is our slogan. We’re fiercely independent with a proud obsession to let no one tell us what to do. We’ve somehow gotten the hair-brained idea into our heads that if we admit to or submit to authority we have relinquished our self-identity or perhaps have conceded even inferiority or inadequacy. Think about it: can you even remember the last time you heard a fellow American cheerfully speak of obeying or submitting to someone? Not very likely.

Add radical feminism to this independent Americanism and it gets clear why the idea of male headship has suffered what might be called “the death of a thousand qualifications”. It’s been opposed, maligned, qualified, redefined, and muted so often that one wonders if the original meaning ever can be recovered. But we need not fear: the meaning of headship is not hard to recover if we turn to the obvious source for a definition, the Bible. I don’t mean to be glib, but I really do not believe that the biblical notion of male headship is difficult to define or to understand, though it may be difficult to accept and/or apply. We can recover its meaning if we follow just three basic lines of thought.

First, the very word head implies something pretty obvious. When we think of a head, we think of that part of our body which is clearly in the lead, at least when our body is working right! It is the initiator, the decider, the signal caller of the body. Paul chose this metaphor because it communicates obvious hints of leadership and even authority.

I’ll grant you—now that I’m 50—that sometimes the head and body don’t work too well together. Too often, my body lives in open defiance of my brain. There is a definite strain on the brain/body relationship going on in my life at the moment. It’s been nothing short of a growing mutual dislike. But it wasn’t always this way.

I remember the day when arms and legs served as extensions of my mind, and at the end of them a basketball or tennis racket or football all functioned as extensions of my body. Everything moved in synch with my brain. What my head told them to do, they did.

While this is no longer true to the same degree, the fact that it was the norm in my younger and better days is significant for our conversation about husbands and wives. Paul uses the metaphor of a head for the obvious reason that a head leads the body. The body is meant to work with, but also to work under the lead of, the head. Unless you’re going to hunt down some obscure secondary meanings for the word head (as some have tried desperately to do) Paul’s intent seems pretty clear. Husbands are to be to their wives something analogous to what a head is to its body.

Second, in defining the headship of the husband in the home, Paul likens it to the headship of Christ over his church. What Christ is to the Church, the husband is to his wife. Of course this is not an exact parallel. Christ is perfect; no husband is. Christ’s will and love are without defect; no husband can say the same. Christ’s headship is absolute and supreme; any husband that claims such is a megalomaniac. Differences exist, but these differences between a husband and Jesus do not negate likenesses. While the husband’s role is not exactly the same as Christ’s, it is meant to be similar.

There are real parallels between Christ’s headship and the husband’s. There’s an image or reflection of Christ’s headship in the headship of the man. Therefore, we can be sure that if there are authority, leadership, initiative and responsibility aspects in the headship of Christ over His Church, these will be mirrored in a marriage. What Christ is to His Bride, a husband should be to his wife. In other words, headship is defined by the model of the One who is the supreme Head, Jesus Christ.

Third, the word head is used dozens of times in Scripture to describe men as representative leaders in home and community. With all those texts in mind it’s not too hard to come up with some fairly clear thinking about headship. In fact if you want to get hold of a decent concordance, and look up all the times the word head is used for men in relationship to their families or nations, I think you could come up with a definition akin to mine. Your words might be different, but you’ll get the same basic idea:

Headship is the beneficent (good-doing and good-producing) leadership of a husband/father, patterned after the Father’s relationship to the Son and the Son’s relationship to the Church, in which he stands before God as the ordained representative, responsible authority, primary teacher, diligent provider, and mighty defender of his wife and children.

The key ideas are representation: the concept of one person standing in the place of others; authority: the idea of one bearing ultimate responsibility for decisions and directions in life; teaching: a role of instruction in the Word and ways of God; provision: the task of making sure that the needs of a family are met; defense: a calling to be the primary protector of wife and kids.

We’ll explore all these as we go on, but for now, as we begin our journey together, let’s make sure we’re on the same page. The husband is called to be head of his home, and that headship needs to be conceived of in terms at least close to those I’ve suggested. You may phrase it differently, but the substance of the definition stands pretty clear from Scripture. The question now is whether each of us men will stand where the Bible stands on this whole matter: will we lead our wives as Christ does His Church?

Application and Reflection Exercises

1. Review the three arguments used to defend and define headship. Do they stand up under closer review and biblical teaching?
2. Try your hand at defining headship in your own words.
3. Review the definition of headship given in the meditation; what parts of it are clear (or not) to you? What questions or even objections surface when you reflect on male headship as defined here?
4. Write a prayer confessing to the Lord where you are weak in these aspects of headship and expressing thanks to God for his forgiving grace.

Who Should Be Afraid?

(Be) submitting to one another out of reverence (fear) for Christ.
…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
(Ephesians 5:21; Philippians 2:12)
I don’t meet enough trembling men. Truth is: fear isn’t all bad. In fact it’s a part of godliness, but it’s a quality too seldom cultivated in our lives today. More of us need a fresh, fearful awareness of the seriousness of life and of the awesome responsibilities of our calling in the home. Hey guys: if we really are aware of what we are called to we’ll know how knee-knocking fear feels.

We’ve already argued that dread and the fear of condemnation are not healthy. But it’s the same Bible that tells us to cast out fear (1 John 4:18) and encourages us to know we have peace with God and are at risk of no condemnation (Rom. 5:1 and 8:1) that tells us over 250 times that fearing God is good! To fear God is to realize that He is great and good and holy. It’s to have a healthy sense that He’s the One before Whom we will one day stand to review all the choices and actions of our lives. And it’s to live life accordingly.

I’m a fan of the modern day philosopher: Calvin (as in “…and Hobbes”). I’ve got all the Bill Watterson collections of comic masterpieces and have read them each about a dozen times. I’m convinced I could do far worse things with my time. For all of you comics illiterates Calvin is a six year old philosopher type who interacts with Hobbes, his stuffed tiger, on a variety of life-related matters, ranging from the trivial to the profound.

On the profound end of things is the following Calvin monologue. I can’t recall the pictorial background for this but I imagine it as something like Calvin being engaged in a series of death-defying antics while Hobbes observes with chin in hand. Calvin begins to muse:

“We all want meaningful lives. We look for meaning in everything we do.
But suppose there is no meaning. Suppose life is fundamentally absurd.
Suppose there is no reason or truth, or rightness in anything.
What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters?
Or suppose everything matters. Which would be worse?”

Now there’s a provocative twist. Imagine if everything matters. How does that affect the fear factor of your life? Can I suggest guys, that if that doesn’t create at least a bit of a nervous flutter somewhere in the gut, then we’re not paying attention? Friend, let that stir at least a fair measure of what Paul calls “fear and trembling”.

Ironically, when it comes to family roles, I think it’s safe to say that the wrong ones are feeling the most fear. Women tend to tremble more than men when talk of headship and submission begins. But get this guys: if women are more afraid of the biblical doctrine of headship than men are, it is because neither of them understands it. Rightly understood, this truth should cause women to cheer and men to fear.

It may be understandable that women fear the abuse and failure of men, but they need never fear the doctrine of true headship. And while a man should embrace his headship with a willing heart, he is a fool if he does so with a giddy and irreverent heart. Headship is not a power to be wielded for personal gain; it is a stewardship to be exercised in the fear and love of God.

Leadership carries a burden of responsibility that will make any sane man tremble. The sensible man knows that he has a solemn charge to keep. He knows that each life deposited in his care is a stewardship for which God will one day want an account. He knows that his life counts; his words count; his character counts; his leadership counts; everything counts. Consequently, he knows what it is to tremble.

It is this kind of reverent awareness of the significance of life before God that leads to a humble realization of one’s inadequacy and need. The right kind of fear has a way of producing dependence and prayer. Humble leaders can hear their own hearts in Solomon’s childlike cry for wisdom:

And now, O LORD my God, you have made your servant king in place of David my father, although I am but a little child. I do not know how to go out or come in. And your servant is in the midst of your people whom you have chosen, a great people, too many to be numbered or counted for multitude. Give your servant therefore an understanding mind to govern your people, that I may discern between good and evil, for who is able to govern this your great people? (1 Kings 3:7-9)

When called to govern a family and to shepherd a home in the things of God, we feel like saying: “I am but a little child”. Brothers, this is good for it’s humility talking. It’s honest self-evaluation. Here are the paradoxes of humble fear. The man is wise who knows he isn’t. The man has strength who feels his weakness. The man gains adequacy through the owning of his inadequacy. The man who experiences the right kind of fear is the man who will receive the right kind of faith and courage to lead.

The husband/father who is postured in weakness and fear is the man who knows that everything matters. He is then the man who, like Solomon, will cry out for grace. He’s the one who is positioned to see his need and search for help. He’s the one who knows to look up. So, my brother, your fear can be a catalyst for growth, an opportunity for grace. “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). Cultivate a measure of healthy, humble fear every day; then see what grace God gives.

Application and Reflection Exercises

1. Make a list of what you believe are your four greatest responsibilities as head of your home.
2. Evaluate how you are doing in the responsibilities you have listed. Make sure to identify ways you’re doing well and ways you are not.
3. Cite one step you can take to grow in each of these responsibilities.
4. Write a prayer asking God to give you both a trembling and a believing heart regarding these responsibilities.

Starting with the Gospel

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
(Ephesians 2:8-10)
Have you ever struggled with condemnation? You know what I mean: that sense of shame that leads you to despair, or at least to a place where you don’t even want to try one more time to get it right? Or have you ever felt so lust-scorched that you could barely function? Have you ever started to teach and lead your family only to have a “Who are you to lead them?” scream from your conscience and freeze you in your tracks? Don’t think you’re alone; we’ve all been there.

Recently, Gayline and I had another conversation about my leadership in the home. Specifically, it was about my failure to lead her well into shared times of prayer as a couple. Okay guys, you tell me: why is it easier to repair a car, build a shed, paint the house, solve complex problems at work, or develop and carry out plans to fix just about anything in the world than it is to pray with one’s wife? I’m still not fully in touch with my heart issues on this one. One thing I know is that the problem has nothing to do with Gayline. She’s a model of humble grace and godliness; I’m the one messed up.

Anyway, this talk wasn’t fun for me, and here’s why: we’d had it many times before. You guys probably know what it felt like. Have you ever hesitated to ask your wife’s forgiveness, or to muster the will to try again to get it right because your offence was one you’d committed 468 times? I have, and this recent talk was but one more time through it. Let’s face it: this type of repeat failure and clinging sin debilitates us guys frequently because it leaves us doubting God’s forgiving and empowering grace.

Guilt and condemnation have produced as many deficient men, deadbeat dads, and derelict husbands as nearly any other causes. Lots of guys have stopped trying to do right because they’re convinced they’re beyond hope of God’s forgiving and transforming grace. For this reason, men desperately need the gospel. We need to know that we are saved by grace, not by works; that God loves us in spite of how we’ve performed as husbands or dads, not based on how we’ve performed. We need to know that what gets us right with God and guaranteed a place in His love forever is the fact that Jesus died as a substitute to bear our guilt and punishment on the cross. We need to know that He lived a perfectly righteous life so that His righteousness could be credited to our account when we came to believe in Him.

Paul starts Ephesians with these wonderful gospel truths, and I’m glad he does. I’m glad that before Paul gets to husband/dad duties in chapters five and six of this letter, he expounds gospel joys. Ephesians begins with a three chapter celebration of all that the believer enjoys in Christ. Every spiritual blessing imaginable (and more—see Eph. 3:20) is lavished on us in Christ (Eph. 1:3-10).

These three chapters are dense with gospel grace, reminding us of just how loved, forgiven, empowered, and destined for glory we are as those who believe in Jesus as Lord and Savior. It’s well worth pausing here, if you’ve got a few extra minutes, to read these chapters once or twice, noting all the blessings the Christian has in Christ. Let them sink in so you can gain some grace to face your headship failures with hope.

After this gospel saturated beginning, Ephesians then finishes with a three-chapter call to live lives worthy of the gospel. Having reminded us of all we are and have in Christ, Paul then reminds us of how we are to live in Christ. Paul’s logic is important: good news first, good works second. Chapters 1-3 line up with Ephesians 2:8-9, telling us that we are saved by grace apart from good works. Chapters 4-6 line up with Ephesians 2:10, telling us that we are saved by grace to do good works. We’re saved first; we serve next. Christ’s works save us; our works follow.

When Paul teaches husbands about headship in chapter five he assumes this understanding of the gospel. And guys, it matters. It matters because the pursuit of godliness as husbands and dads will produce legalism, bondage, and guilt if we are not living gospel-based and cross-centered lives. In other words, if you and I don’t understand just how much we are loved, accepted, and empowered by God in Christ, all our efforts to be good husbands and godly dads will lead only to the paralysis of shame. Every time we blow it again, we’ll be tempted to quit the fight.

Of course, there’s a certain kind of fear and trembling that is good (Eph. 5:21; 6:5; Phil. 2:12), but be clear on this: no kind of dread and condemnation is. Headship duties are too demanding, too important, too hard, and way too guilt-producing for us to approach them unarmed with the guilt and fear releasing power of the gospel. That’s why Christian men have to live in Ephesians 1-3, where we learn that the blood of Jesus, as the substitutionary atonement for our sins, and the righteousness of Christ, as the sole basis of our acceptance as righteous in God’s sight, are what save and secure us before God.

C.J. Mahaney, one of my leaders in the Sovereign Grace Ministries family of churches, loves to speak of “living the cross centered life”. By keeping the gospel central in life through reflection, study, song, prayer and fellowship, we learn to stay confident in, and amazed at, grace. As we cultivate an awareness of our sin and then run to the cross, we can find fresh joy in the forgiveness of God, and then grace to carry on.

Guys as you blow it in the home, as the guilt scream sounds again, as you hesitate to ask forgiveness for the 469th time, do not despair. Proclaim the cross to your heart all over again. Live in the confidence that since God has lavished grace on you in Christ, you may have all boldness to move forward as a man to live before, and then love and lead your family.

Application and Reflection Exercises

1. The phrases in Christ or in Him appear many times in Ephesians. Each time is preceded by a blessing we receive from God in Him (e.g.-chosen in Christ, redemption in Him, etc.). Compile a list of some of these blessings Paul names.
2. Try your hand at defining two of the blessings in Christ that you’ve listed.
3. Write a prayer, thanking God for the blessings of the gospel.
4. Pick up a copy of C.J. Mahaney’s book, Living the Cross Centered Life. Read it and enjoy.

Introduction

I had the joy of having a Dad who dared to be a man after God’s own heart. I’ve also had other friends and pastors who’ve set the pace for me to follow. My way has been marked clearly before me. I’ll be forever grateful. Though my father died just recently, the blessing of his life truly lives on in me and, I hope, through me to others.

Some of you have been differently blessed. You have had few if any role models blazing the trail before you. It might encourage you to know that my father didn’t either. Dad grew up in a home where there was no spiritual training. His dad was an agnostic. His mom had no real faith in Christ. My father wasn’t saved by the grace of God until he was 23, and even then there were no strong leaders in his life. He had no marriage seminars to attend, no shelf-loads of books to read, no rich heritage from which to draw.

He did have his Bible. And he did have a bold and unwavering faith that believed the Bible to be God’s Word and the final answer for everything. That set him up pretty well as it turned out. He and mom teamed up to raise six children while simultaneously serving in career missionary and pastoral work for more than 50 years. Five of those six children walk with Christ today, and are committed to the advance of His church.

Dad’s story is worth telling because it’s a story from which all can benefit. He had no spiritual heritage, yet he created a rich one. He had no special training, yet he trained many. His schooling was minimal, yet he and his sons have taught thousands. He had no models to follow, yet he became a model for more than I can count.

Dad demonstrated what God’s grace can produce in any and every man. For Dad was everyman. He was an ordinary man with extraordinary grace and faith. He lived life to the full in God, and he made sure that he passed on to us as much of that as he knew how. Brothers, you can do the same. Believe God for great things. Believe in the power of the gospel in and through your life. Believe that God has raised you up for such a time as this, to raise up families which will leave a mark on this generation.

Do not fear, neither be afraid. God is in you and God is about to do something through you in the lives of others. That’s the power of the gospel. Believe and obey. Let us, like men, be strong—as Paul would have put it—so we can stand, and defend and build our homes.

I pray that this devotional journey will set you in the right direction. Be sure to make this just a small part of the guidance of your life. Go to the Word. Be part of a strong local church. Follow the leadership of that church. Stand with other men in that church, and fight the fight together; then watch God work.

Yours in the fight,
Tim

P.S. Here are a few suggestions for the reading of this devotional:

• Have your Bible open and turn to the Scriptures cited. The blessing and authority of any idea expressed in the devotional is only as valid as the Word of God behind it.

• My goal is to present Biblical views of masculinity in bite-sized portions, so don’t expect lengthy explanations or arguments.

• The readings are loosely connected to, but largely independent of, each other. They are reflections meant to be brief and provocative, not profound or brilliant.

• I would recommend combining this devotional course with reading books like C.J. Mahaney’s Living the Cross Centered Life, and Jerry Bridges’ The Gospel for Real People. This will help you to balance grace and duty as you go along.