(Ephesians 5:23)
You’ll probably remember that a less than honorable man (who happened to be president) once tried to weave a covering for his many lies by saying “it depends on what the meaning of the word is, is.” It sounds like the man was twisting words to deceive. But his statement, in itself, is true. The meaning of the word is, is important. Every little word matters if the full and precise truth is to be known.
This comes into play as we think over the matter of headship in the home. Paul doesn’t write: “The husband ought to be the head of the wife”. He writes: “The husband is the head of the wife.” If you’ll pardon a brief grammar lesson, we’re talking indicative vs. imperative here. An indicative states or indicates what is. An imperative states or commands what ought to be. Paul uses an indicative here which means he is not issuing a command; he’s stating a fact. He’s telling us what a husband is. He’s not telling us what a husband is supposed to become or do. The distinction is huge.
The point is that every husband is the head or leader of his marriage and home. It’s an unavoidable and inescapable fact. On the one hand, no amount of husbandly effort is required to attain headship. On the other hand, no amount of male neglect or female resistance can negate that headship. It simply is. It comes with being male. When the doctor said “It’s a boy!” over you, it was official: a leader was born. And when the pastor said “husband and wife” over you, it was official: a head was created. If you’re married, this is what you are.
Meditating on this is a very valuable thing for husbands to do. Because the husband is the head of the wife, he finds himself in a position of inescapable leadership. He cannot successfully refuse to lead….[N]o matter what he does, or where he goes, he does so as the head of his wife. This is how God designed marriage. He has created us as male and female in such a way as to ensure that men will always be dominant in marriage. If the husband is godly, then that dominance will not be harsh; it will be characterized by the same self-sacrificial love demonstrated by our Lord…at the cross. If a husband tries to run away from his headship…(and)catches a plane to the other side of the country…he will dominate by his absence…” (Douglas Wilson).*
I’m with you guys: this is probably something I’d rather not be true. But denial is pointless. We might as well face the truth squarely. I can no more change the fact that I am head of my home than I can change the fact that I am human, or a man. Like my head can do nothing but lead my body, I can do nothing but lead my home. This is that to which I was born, and was married. The same goes for you. Brothers: everything we say, do, think, choose, prioritize, and pursue, leads. In our every waking or sleeping moment we’re giving direction and setting the pace for our wives and kids.
This smacked me between the eyes a few years back. As I observed my children I noticed a distinct lack of thoughtful kindness between them. This was showing up in a number of ways, but I’ll mention only one. While one of the little guys was dragging a big box of blocks across the floor in a valiant effort to clean up the room, the others simply sat there, watching. No one lifted a finger to help. No one encouraged. No one even cared for their sibling’s struggle. This didn’t happen just once; it was a pattern.
This raised my ire. I felt strong anger. How could they be so thoughtless, so oblivious, so unkind? And as I sat there observing the evidence of their unkind hearts it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t lifted a finger to help the little one either! Like a first century Pharisee binding burdens on others I was unwilling to carry myself (Matthew 23:2-4), I was judging my kids for the very same sin that I was committing at the very same time. I was immediately struck by both my hypocrisy and my idiocy.
On further reflection I knew that the pattern of my life toward my kids was one in which quite often I sat still while they struggled with tasks. While mom modeled helping grace, dad didn’t. Guess whose example led the way? Gayline was consistently kind towards us all, but I was not. And my children followed my lead, not hers. They always will, for better or worse.
To test this premise, I chose not to rebuke them on this occasion, but to change me. I chose to become a kinder man. When the kids needed help, I moved quickly to provide it. When they struggled with something I jumped to assist. I said nothing to them about their lack of kindness; I just purposed to do something about mine.
In two to three weeks, the difference in their care for each other was dramatic. Kindness reigned because dad led the way. No words were needed on this occasion. What was needed was that a father realize he was head of the home, leading it one way or another all the time. What was needed was not that dad become the head, but that he simply be a good one.
Guys we’re always in the lead. Question is: what’s the direction toward which we’re leading our families? Please don’t be paralyzed by this somewhat frightening truth; be catalyzed. God has given us a unique and unmatched influence in our families’ lives. Let’s seize it for good. Let’s always be leading them forward, upward, and Godward. Let’s rise up as men of God, and lead onward and upward for the glory of God and the good of those we love.
*I’m afraid I have to qualify my use of Mr. Wilson as there are various perspectives he holds that I deem inconsistent with biblical doctrine. But as I’ve said elsewhere, he has much good to say in matters related to those we’re discussing.
Application and Reflection Exercises
1. If the meditation is true it means that all husbands/fathers are the leaders of their families even if absent and deadbeat. Do you think a negligent or even totally absent father still leads and influences his family? Why do you think so?
2. Name 3 things about you that are leading your family, even when you’re not aware of it.
3. What emotional and spiritual effect does the fact that you are (rather than you ought to be) the head of your family have on you?
4. If you are leading your family whether you are thinking about it or not, how much should you be thinking about it? How much of good headship depends on good thinking and planning? Record your thoughts. List one or two steps you can take to become more proactive and less passive in your headship role? Try to apply one of these today.
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